《HR培训幽默材料》

时间：2021-05-01 12:46:26 来源：蒲公英阅读网 本文已影响人

相关热词搜索：幽默 材料 培训

《HR培训幽默材料》word版 本文关键词：幽默，材料，培训，HR，word

《HR培训幽默材料》word版 本文简介：天马行空官方博客：http://t.qq.com/tmxk_docin；QQ:1318241189；QQ群：175569632HR培训幽默材料HR在培训的时候,经常由于培训内容的枯燥和时间的过长,而无法吸引员工的注意力.在培训中偶尔使用下面的幽默,想必会增加你的培训效果.工作时间工头看到巴柯先生在车

《HR培训幽默材料》word版 本文内容：

天马行空官方博客：http://t.qq.com/tmxk_docin

；QQ:1318241189；QQ群：175569632

HR培训幽默材料

HR在培训的时候,经常由于培训内容的枯燥和时间的过长,而无法吸引员工的注意力.在培训中偶尔使用下面的幽默,想必会增加你的培训效果.

工作时间

工头看到巴柯先生在车间抽烟，非常生气。

“巴柯先生，工作时间你不能抽烟。”

“是的。当我抽烟时，我就停止工作。”

请假

亨利打电话给经理，称他患了喉炎，不能前去上班。

“如果你是患了喉炎。为什么在电话里说话声音还不轻一点，干嘛还要大喊大叫的？”经理不无怀疑地问。

“我说话声音为什么要轻一点？患喉炎又不是什么秘密。”

责任

编辑问一位想得到校对职务的人，他是否知道这一工作的重大。

“啊，是的，”这位申请者回答，“我知道，如果一旦您出了错，我

就该负责。”

兼

职

救

火

某人打电话给路灯管理所，说有一盏路灯坏了。“修理它不会很麻烦，”他说，“因为我只要一踢灯柱，灯就亮了。”

“很难确定什么时候派人去修理，”管理所职员回答，“但我可以奉告，如果你能每晚把灯踢亮，我们可以让你在管理所兼职，并免费提供一双皮鞋。”

特

长

约翰看了游泳池的招聘救生员的广告后前去报名，游泳池的

老板问约翰有何特长，约翰回答说：“游泳池深2．1米，我身高

2．17米。”

置若罔闻

年老的布朗先生的听力愈来愈差了，他走到经理面前踌躇地说：

“经理先生，我感到不久我就会被解雇，因为我知道我将再也

听不清楚顾客对我说些什么了。”

“胡说！我正要调你到意见台去。”经理说。

服务

“请把你们的经理找来！这猪排简直是天下最硬的东西了！”

“如果我们的经理来了，你立刻就会发现你的结论错了。”

财税

一个商人正在接见申请总会计师职位的人。他问每一个申请人：“200万加200万等于多少？”

头两个申请人毫不犹豫地答：“400万。”两人都没得到工作。

当问到第三个申请人时，他站了起来，把门关上，拉上了窗帘，然后靠在柜台上问：

“你想让它等于多少？”

他被录用了。

性价比

老托特辛勒对儿子解释经济的诀窍：“物以稀为贵。一匹好马是稀罕的，因此它很贵。”

“可是，”他的儿子反驳道，“一匹便宜的好马，比这更稀罕哩！”

偷

当食品店老板的丈夫对妻子说：“今天你不要再到隔壁米哈依先生开的副食店里去买东西。”

妻子不解地问：“那是为什么？亲爱的。”

丈夫说：“因为今天他从我这儿把秤借走了。”

坏的扔掉了

珍妮定购了12只鸡蛋，但送到家里时只有10只，于是她去找店的主人。

“先生，我早上定购的是12只呀？”

“不错。”食品店老板点点头。

“可你们只给了我10个！”

“噢，是这样的。那其中有2个坏的，我们替您扔掉了！”

帽子和皮鞋

一名顾客对帽店老板嚷道：“这么一顶帽子竟要70美元？

你是不是发疯了！用这些钱足可以买一双上等的皮靴。”

“您说的不错，先生。可我不明白，这上等的皮靴您怎么把它戴在头上呢？”

致富之道

四个美国商业巨头在巴黎度假，偶然相逢于俱乐部，大家无所不谈，相互同意谈出自己的缺点来。

甲：“我的缺点是嗜赌如命。”

乙：“酷爱杯中物是我的缺点。”

丙：“我放高利贷过分狠毒，将来我想做些慈善事业来抵偿。”

最后轮到丁发言，他犹疑不说，其他人说他不公平和不守诺言。他被迫说：“我的缺点是喜欢拔弄是非，我恨不得马上把你们刚才讲的话以传真传回纽约，让我的朋友赶快知道。”

年假

一名商务代理人由于风暴在亚违尔群岛耽搁了。他估计风暴几天内停不了，就给圣地亚哥的总公司发了电报：“因风暴耽搁，候示。”

他的老板复电：“您今年的假期从昨天算起。”

乱弹琴

一家房地产公司准备承办个项目，为此专门成立了一个筹建指挥部，负责人有两个，一人姓胡，一人姓夏，因后者点子多，故有参谋之称。一天市里领导来公司视察，有人就介绍，“这是胡指挥，那是夏参谋。“谁知一听介绍那领导的脸马上沉下来：“你们这里没人才了，嗯，一个是糊指挥、一个是瞎参谋，这种项目能搞好吗？简直是乱弹琴。“授权

有家企业经济效益很好，厂长与书记双双被上调，现任的厂长与书记关系一般，但由于各自心腹的作用，反而加深了误解与矛盾，两人个性又强，谁也不肯迁就谁，每人都充分使用自己的权利，双方的关系日益紧张起来。有一天开会，由于两人意见分歧很大，随着“战争“的升级，从谩骂要人身攻击，从人身攻击到“使用权利“，厂长对书记说“现在是厂长负责制，你也只是一个员工而已，我厂长有权作出决定，解除与你的劳动合同，开除你，明天你不要来上班了！“书记不甘示弱：“我是党委书记，党领导一切，你只是一个党员，我有权决定，开除你的党籍，明天起你就不要缴纳党费了！“关机

某日公司开会，聚聚一堂满屋子都是人。领导讲话“同志们，今天我们开个--““滴滴滴滴“BP机响起，有人忙着翻看，有人外出打电话，也有人拿着手机弯下腰在轻轻地通话。足足两分种才恢复宁静。领导无奈的摇摇头，清了清喉龙“同志们，今天我们开个--““滴滴滴滴““铃铃铃铃“BP机与手机声争先恐后地响了起来，又有人要外出、有人拿出手机。那领导脸一唬，口一张“都给我听着，各就各位坐好，把BP机和手机给我统统关机，要是谁的机子再响，我就处罚谁！“于是大家忙着关机，足足又化了两分种。这下，领导颇有点得意，干咳嗽一声，“同志们，今天我们开个--““滴滴滴滴“不知谁的BP机又响了起来，领导的威信似乎受到了严重的挑战，他一拍桌子“谁大胆放肆，是谁？“其火辣辣的眼光象探照灯般向每个人射过去。大家悄悄地检查一下自己的机子，有轻轻地摇摇头。看到没人敢承认，他火苗三丈，“真是无法无天了，还想骗我。“正当他想采取下一步措施时，“滴滴滴滴“声又起，大家一愣。有人说“领导，是你的BP机在响。“实践

小黄大学里学的是物理专业，毕业后经过努力被一家公司录用。上班第一天，公司安排他与一名司机一起到大卖场采购物质，回来途中车在一拐弯处陷在松土里，司机问小黄，如何把车拖出来。小黄自豪地说，想不到我第一天上班就用到我的专业知识。说完，就利索的计算起车辆自重及近百项产品的份量来，他一一叠加，并根据力学的原理，算出牵引力的大小、力臂、受力点等，他左算右算还是算不清磨擦系数的大小，真是百般烦恼，结果不打招呼就回家查资料去了，等他回来，车已不知去向，回到公司才知车早已回来，心想公司里肯定有力学方面的专家，否则怎么那么快就解决了问题。

有创意的囚徒

乔治在卢里塔尼银行干了10年，仍然还是个职员。他对这个职务不满意，想找个更好的职位，可是在找到新工作之前他又不想丢掉现在的

职位，于是他为自己写了一封信：信的上端用大写字母写道：“救命，

我是卢里塔尼银行的囚徒。”他把这信寄给几家大公司，请求给予工作。

几天后，其中的一封信送到银行的行长手里，有个人在俱乐部把信

交给了他，第二早上，银行行长请乔治到自己的办公室，对他说：“乔

治，我这儿有你的好消息，卢里塔尼银行释放了你。”

必备条件

约翰到某大公司求职，受到了经理的接待。

“你有什么特别喜欢做的工作？”

“如果可能，我愿意参加董事会。”

“你发疯了吗？”

“什么？发疯是作董事的必备条件吗？”

董事局决议

董事局会议开了一天，董事们围绕“所有员工在工作岗位不得饮酒”

议案，展开热烈争论。最后，还是通过了这个“禁酒令”。这时，董事们一起举杯祝贺这个英明决定。

人才难得

老板杰克到警察局报案：“有个流氓冒充我的推销员，在镇上赚了10万美元！这比我所有的雇员在客户身上赚到的钱还要多得多。你们一定要找到他！”

“我们会抓住他，把他关进监狱的！”

“关起来干什么？我要聘用他！”

突出的特征

一天，很多人来谋求某银行出纳员的职位，结果出人意料，银行经理竟雇用了一个斜眼、歪鼻、招风耳朵的丑八怪。有人问经理

为何作这种选择，经理微笑地答道：

“因为他有突出的面貌特征，如果他携款潜逃，我们极容易在通缉令上写明这点。”

职位空缺

经理：不，我们不能雇用你了，这里已经有许多工人了，他们的名字连我也登记不完？

求职者：那不是还缺一人？你就安排我这份工作：专门为你登记工人的名字。

录用标准

某酒店即将开业，正在招考工作人员。

考官：“如果你是门卫，将如何辨别进出人员？”

考生：“在酒店开业以前，我将盘问衣冠楚楚的人；酒店开业以后，我将盘问衣衫褴褛的人。”

考官：“OK！如果你是公关小姐，将如何向你所接待的领导汇报工作？”

考生：“若是精明能干的领导，我会将成绩缩小10％汇报，留有余地；若是不懂业务的糊涂领导，我会将成绩夸大10％汇报。”

她被录用了。

工

资

一位企业界巨头正在大吹自己成功的秘密。“我始终坚持这一理论：工资是工作中最无足轻重的部分。”他说，“全心全意地工作，把你的才能发挥到极点带来的快乐远比金钱大。”

“你在向自己证实了这一理论之后就发财了吗？”记者问。

“不，在向为我工作的人们证实这一理论之后我就发财了。”

厌倦有价

一个山区小部落的人编得一手好草席，在全国市场上可以卖很高的价。于是，一家美国公司的代表前往该部落，试图做一笔交易。他对部落首领声称，他的公司愿意订购几千条草席。

经过慎重考虑，部落首领意外地宣布，大量订购的每条草席的单价要比少量订购的单价高。

“为什么？”美国人问。

“因为反复做同样一件东西是很令人厌倦的。”部落首领回答道。

合同风险

老板：“积压200条夏季男裤，我该怎么办？”

代理人：“寄到外省去。”

老板：“那里现在也不会有人买。”

代理人：“不至于，只要包装得好。我们给顾主们寄10条一包的样品，发货单上写8条，假装我们搞错了，但价格仍按10条算。这样一来，顾主就会高兴，以为占了我们便宜，就会把货留下。”

老板觉得这个主意很妙，货包和发货单寄出去了……三天后，老板对代理人大声吼道：

“蠢货，你瞧，你可把我们给坑了！没有一个顾主把货留下的，而且只给我们退回来8条裤子！”

滞销

一天，一位女士走进一家帽子商店。老板微笑着说：“早安，夫人。”

“早安，”那位女士回答道，“你们橱窗里有一顶镶有红花蓝叶的帽子。请你把那顶帽

子从窗子里拿出来。”

老板说：“好的，夫人。我很愿意为您效劳。”女士们通常总要先看许多帽子，然后才

选定一顶，弄得老板疲于应付。“好，”他想道，“我一定要很快地把这顶帽子卖掉——它

在橱窗里放了很长时间了。”

“夫人，您希望把帽子放在盒子里还是戴着走？”他问道。

“啊，我不想买，我只希望你把那帽子从橱窗里拿出来。

我每天都经过你的商店，我不喜欢看见那里放着丑陋的东西。”

经营有方

几乎没什么人到白玫瑰餐厅吃饭，老板不知如何是好。餐厅里的饭菜物价廉，可是好像没有人愿意来吃。后来他采取了措施把情况改变了，几个星期以来他的餐厅总是挤满了先生们和他们的女友。每当一位先生带着一位女士进来，侍者就给他们每人一份印刷精美的菜单。两份菜单外表看来完全一样，但内容却大不相同。侍者给男人的那份菜单上是每份菜、每瓶啤酒的正常价格，而他给女士们的那份菜单上的价格要高得多！所以当男人从容地点了一份又一份菜，要了一种又一种酒的时候，女士会觉得他比实际上要慷慨得多！

请

假

一职员已两天没上班了，当他第三天来到公司时，老板抱怨说：“你这两天干什么去了？”

职员答道：“我不小心从三楼窗口跌到大街上了。”

老板气冲冲责问：“从三楼跌下去要两天吗？”

权利斗争

甲与乙是两个最有竞争副厂长的最佳人员，两人明争暗斗各使伎俩。甲为现示好，对乙最近一次捐款50元，专门通过朋友写了篇通讯稿，故意让人把50元写成50万元，结果乙家数次遭到小偷的光顾，结果还遭到小偷的羞辱，这件事被乙知道后，乙报复甲，在一次宴会上，乙主动通知服务员把甲的白酒换成白开水，甲感激不尽，认为乙“大人不记小人过“，结果频频举杯敬酒，结果第二天甲严重虚脱、体乏无力，原来乙还对服务员说了一句话“他身体不好，开水里多放些药（泻药）。“两件事一传开，谁也没有当副厂长。

应试妙答

一应聘者接受招聘者的面谈，部分对话节录如下：

招聘者：“你以前是销售什么的？“应聘者：“销售我自己。“招聘者：“业绩如何？“应聘者：“天知、地知、我知、就是你不知。“招聘者：“你为何要跳槽？“应聘者：“不跳的人是一样的，跳槽的人理由各不一样的。“招聘者：“那你为何选中我们我们公司呢？“应聘者：“那你们公司为何要招聘呢？“招聘者：“有缘。“应聘者：“是呀，真是相见恨晚，明天我能否上班？“评选

某公司每到年底，按惯例就要进行评选优秀员工的活动。某月某日所有员工集中在会议室里，领导先把评选的作用、意义、评选方法等足足讲了一个小时，员工们聊天的聊天、嘻闹的嘻闹，但当领导一宣布评选开始，骤然鸦雀无声。突然，小陈站起来略带调侃地说“我们领导很不错，你就应该是优秀员工呀。“顿时大家哄堂大笑，领导摆摆手，“我不行的，我是领导怎么能被评为优秀员工呢？我倒觉得小陈很符合优秀员工的标准，譬如……你们看怎么样？“员工们都笑嘻嘻地附和“好，好“，不知谁冒了句“不就是两个名额吗？可以散会了“整个评选过程只有两分钟。于是大家离开了会议室，不少的员工颜色不太好看，据说当晚那领导与小陈相约在餐馆里喝酒喝得很晚很晚。

严禁请假通知书

各位同仁：

经公司领导研究决定，对有关请假事宜作如下规定：

1、

上班期时间绝不允许上厕所解手与洗手，因为解手与洗手纯属个人内循环畅通与卫生问题，与公司无关。

2、

不允许请丧假，亲人去世固然可惜，但人死不能复生，绝没必要；

3、

不允许请病假，公司需要的是完整的员工，身体零件的缺失磨损，应在工作时间以外整修；

4、

不允许请探亲假，若是有情长久时，又岂在朝朝暮暮，无此需要；

5、

不允许请婚假，现在离婚率很高，结了再离还不如不结。

6、

不允许请事假，公司的利益高于员工利益，个人应服从组织。

7、

星期天不允许休息，星期天不是休息天，劳动光荣、休息浪费光荣；

8、

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奥巴马白宫晚宴幽默演讲上演单口相声 本文简介：奥巴马白宫晚宴幽默演讲上演单口相声自爆齐刘海搞怪照美国总统奥巴马4月27日晚上出席白宫记者协会晚宴，公布自己的齐刘海搞怪照片，爆猛料拿自己开涮。晚宴上，奥巴马公布了一批修改的搞怪图片。图片中，第一夫人米歇尔的齐刘海发型转移到了奥巴马脑门上。奥巴马说，希望在第二届任期中做出改变，提升形象，不知道偷师米

奥巴马白宫晚宴幽默演讲上演单口相声 本文内容：

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自爆齐刘海搞怪照

美国总统奥巴马4月27日晚上出席白宫记者协会晚宴，公布自己的齐刘海搞怪照片，爆猛料拿自己开涮。晚宴上，奥巴马公布了一批修改的搞怪图片。图片中，第一夫人米歇尔的齐刘海发型转移到了奥巴马脑门上。奥巴马说，希望在第二届任期中做出改变，提升形象，不知道偷师米歇尔“换发型”算不算其中之一。奥巴马当晚尺度大开，不断自嘲。此前，他在复活节庆祝活动上，打篮球曾经22投2中，惨不忍睹的命中率是难得的笑料。总统先生也大方的主动提起，博得在场各位一笑。

Remarks

by

The

President

at

The

White

House

Correspondents

Association

Dinner

英语演讲稿：

Washington

Hilton

Hotel,Washington,D.C.

10:14

P.M.

EDT

THE

PRESIDENT:

Thank

you.

(Applause.)

Thank

you,everybody.

(Laughter.)

How

do

you

like

my

new

entrance

music?

(Applause.)

Rush

Limbaugh

warned

you

about

this

--

second

term,baby.

(Laughter

and

applause.)

We

re

changing

things

around

here

a

little

bit.

(Laughter.)

Actually,my

advisors

were

a

little

worried

about

the

new

rap

entrance

music.

(Laughter.)

They

are

a

little

more

traditional.

They

suggested

that

I

should

start

with

some

jokes

at

my

own

expense,just

take

myself

down

a

peg.

I

was

like,guys,after

four

and

a

half

years,how

many

pegs

are

there

left?

(Laughter.)

I

want

to

thank

the

White

House

Correspondents.

Ed,you

re

doing

an

outstanding

job.

We

are

grateful

for

--

(applause)

--

the

great

work

you

ve

done.

To

all

the

dignitaries

who

are

here,everybody

on

the

dais

--

I

especially

want

to

say

thank

you

to

Ray

Odierno,who

does

outstanding

service

on

behalf

of

our

country,and

all

our

men

and

women

in

uniform

every

single

day.

(Applause.)

And

of

course,our

extraordinary

First

Lady,Michelle

Obama.

(Applause.)

Everybody

loves

Michelle.

(Laughter.)

She

s

on

the

cover

of

Vogue,high

poll

numbers.

But

don

t

worry

--

I

recently

got

my

own

magazine

cover.

(Laughter.)

Now,look,I

get

it.

These

days,I

look

in

the

mirror

and

I

have

to

admit,I

m

not

the

strapping

young

Muslim

socialist

that

I

used

to

be.

(Laughter.)

Time

passes.

You

get

a

little

gray.

(Laughter.)

And

yet,even

after

all

this

time,I

still

make

rookie

mistakes.

Like,I

m

out

in

California,we

re

at

a

fundraiser,we

re

having

a

nice

time.

I

happen

to

mention

that

Kamala

Harris

is

the

best-looking

attorney

general

in

the

country.

(Laughter.)

As

you

might

imagine,I

got

trouble

when

I

got

back

home.

(Laughter.)

Who

knew

Eric

Holder

was

so

sensitive?

(Laughter

and

applause.)

And

then

there

s

the

Easter

Egg

Roll,which

is

supposed

to

be

just

a

nice,fun

event

with

the

kids.

I

go

out

on

the

basketball

court,took

22

shots

--

made

two

of

them.

(Laughter.)

That

s

right:

two

hits,20

misses.

The

executives

at

NBC

asked,“What

s

your

secret?”

(Laughter

and

applause.)

So,yes,maybe

I

have

lost

a

step.

But

some

things

are

beyond

my

control.

For

example,this

whole

controversy

about

Jaz-Z

going

to

Cuba

--

it

s

unbelievable.

I

ve

got

99

problems

and

now

Jay-Z

is

one.

(Laughter

and

applause.)

That

s

another

rap

reference,Bill.

(Laughter.)

I

ll

let

you

know.

(Applause.)

Of

course,everybody

has

got

plenty

of

advice.

Maureen

Dowd

said

I

could

solve

all

my

problems

if

I

were

just

more

like

Michael

Douglas

in

“The

American

President.”

(Laughter.)

And

I

know

Michael

is

here

tonight.

Michael,what

s

your

secret,man?

(Laughter.)

Could

it

be

that

you

were

an

actor

in

an

Aaron

Sorkin

liberal

fantasy?

(Laughter.)

Might

that

have

something

to

do

with

it?

(Applause.)

I

don

t

know.

Check

in

with

me.

Maybe

it

s

something

else.

(Laughter.)

Anyway,I

recognize

that

this

job

can

take

a

toll

on

you.

I

understand

--

second

term,you

need

a

burst

of

new

energy,try

some

new

things.

And

my

team

and

I

talked

about

it.

We

were

willing

to

try

anything.

So

we

borrowed

one

of

Michelle

s

tricks.

(Laughter

and

applause.)

I

thought

this

looked

pretty

good,but

no

bounce.

(Laughter.)

I

want

to

give

a

shout-out

to

our

headliner,Conan

O

Brien.

(Applause.)

I

was

just

talking

to

Ed,and

I

understand

that

when

the

Correspondents

Association

was

considering

Conan

for

this

gig,they

were

faced

with

that

age-old

dilemma:

Do

you

offer

it

to

him

now,or

wait

for

five

years

and

then

give

it

to

Jimmy

Fallon?

(Laughter.)

That

was

a

little

harsh.

(Laughter.)

I

love

Conan.

And

of

course,the

White

House

press

corps

is

here.

I

know

CNN

has

taken

some

knocks

lately,but

the

fact

is

I

admire

their

commitment

to

cover

all

sides

of

a

story,just

in

case

one

of

them

happens

to

be

accurate.

(Laughter

and

applause.)

Some

of

my

former

advisors

have

switched

over

to

the

dark

side.

For

example,David

Axelrod

now

works

for

MSNBC,which

is

a

nice

change

of

pace

since

MSNBC

used

to

work

for

David

Axelrod.

(Laughter.)

The

History

Channel

is

not

here.

I

guess

they

were

embarrassed

about

the

whole

Obama-is-a-devil

thing.

(Laughter.)

Of

course,that

never

kept

Fox

News

from

showing

up.

(Laughter.)

They

actually

thought

the

comparison

was

not

fair

--

to

Satan.

(Laughter

and

applause.)

But

the

problem

is,is

that

the

media

landscape

is

changing

so

rapidly.

You

can

t

keep

up

with

it.

I

mean,I

remember

when

BuzzFeed

was

just

something

I

did

in

college

around

2:00

a.m.

(Laughter.)

It

s

true.

(Laughter.)

Recently,though,I

found

a

new

favorite

source

for

political

news

--

these

guys

are

great.

I

think

everybody

here

should

check

it

out,they

tell

it

like

it

is.

It

s

called

whitehouse.gov.

(Laughter.)

I

cannot

get

enough

of

it.

The

fact

is

I

really

do

respect

the

press.

I

recognize

that

the

press

and

I

have

different

jobs

to

do.

My

job

is

to

be

President;

your

job

is

to

keep

me

humble.

Frankly,I

think

I

m

doing

my

job

better.

(Laughter

and

applause.)

But

part

of

the

problem

is

everybody

is

so

cynical.

I

mean,we

re

constantly

feeding

cynicism,suspicion,conspiracies.

You

remember

a

few

months

ago,my

administration

put

out

a

photograph

of

me

going

skeet

shooting

at

Camp

David?

You

remember

that?

And

quite

a

number

of

people

insisted

that

this

had

been

photoshopped.

But

tonight

I

have

something

to

confess:

You

were

right.

Guys,can

we

show

them

the

actual

photo?

(Laughter.)

We

were

just

trying

to

tone

it

down

a

little

bit.

(Laughter.)

That

was

an

awesome

day.

(Laughter.)

There

are

other

new

players

in

the

media

landscape

as

well,like

super

PACs.

Did

you

know

that

Sheldon

Adelson

spent

$100

million

of

his

own

money

last

year

on

negative

ads?

You

ve

got

to

really

dislike

me

--

(laughter)

--

to

spend

that

kind

of

money.

I

mean,that

s

Oprah

money.

(Laughter.)

You

could

buy

an

island

and

call

it

“Nobama”

for

that

kind

of

money.

(Laughter.)

Sheldon

would

have

been

better

off

offering

me

$100

million

to

drop

out

of

the

race.

(Laughter

and

applause.)

I

probably

wouldn

t

have

taken

it,but

I

d

have

thought

about

it.

(Laughter.)

Michelle

would

have

taken

it.

(Laughter.)

You

think

I

m

joking?

(Laughter.)

I

know

Republicans

are

still

sorting

out

what

happened

in

2012,but

one

thing

they

all

agree

on

is

they

need

to

do

a

better

job

reaching

out

to

minorities.

And

look,call

me

self-centered,but

I

can

think

of

one

minority

they

could

start

with.

(Laughter.)

Hello?

Think

of

me

as

a

trial

run,you

know?

(Laughter.)

See

how

it

goes.

(Laughter.)

If

they

won

t

come

to

me,I

will

come

to

them.

Recently,I

had

dinner

--

it

s

been

well

publicized

--

I

had

dinner

with

a

number

of

the

Republican

senators.

And

I

ll

admit

it

wasn

t

easy.

I

proposed

a

toast

--

it

died

in

committee.

(Laughter.)

Of

course,even

after

I

ve

done

all

this,some

folks

still

don

t

think

I

spend

enough

time

with

Congress.

“Why

don

t

you

get

a

drink

with

Mitch

McConnell?“they

ask.

Really?

(Laughter.)

Why

don

t

you

get

a

drink

with

Mitch

McConnell?

(Laughter

and

applause.)

I

m

sorry.

I

get

frustrated

sometimes.

I

am

not

giving

up.

In

fact,I

m

taking

my

charm

offensive

on

the

road

--

a

Texas

barbeque

with

Ted

Cruz,a

Kentucky

bluegrass

concert

with

Rand

Paul,and

a

book-burning

with

Michele

Bachmann.

(Laughter

and

applause.)

My

charm

offensive

has

helped

me

learn

some

interesting

things

about

what

s

going

on

in

Congress

--

it

turns

out,absolutely

nothing.

(Laughter.)

But

the

point

of

my

charm

offensive

is

simple:

We

need

to

make

progress

on

some

important

issues.

Take

the

sequester.

Republicans

fell

in

love

with

this

thing,and

now

they

can

t

stop

talking

about

how

much

they

hate

it.

It

s

like

we

re

trapped

in

a

Taylor

Swift

album.

(Laughter.)

One

senator

who

has

reached

across

the

aisle

recently

is

Marco

Rubio,but

I

don

t

know

about

2016.

I

mean,the

guy

has

not

even

finished

a

single

term

in

the

Senate

and

he

thinks

he

s

ready

to

be

President.

(Laughter

and

applause.)

Kids

these

days.

I,on

the

other

hand,have

run

my

last

campaign.

On

Thursday,as

Ed

mentioned,I

went

to

the

opening

of

the

Bush

Presidential

Library

in

Dallas.

It

was

a

wonderful

event,and

that

inspired

me

to

get

started

on

my

own

legacy,which

will

actually

begin

by

building

another

edifice

right

next

to

the

Bush

Library

--

can

we

show

that,please?

(Laughter.)

I

m

also

hard

at

work

on

plans

for

the

Obama

Library.

And

some

have

suggested

that

we

put

it

in

my

birthplace,but

I

d

rather

keep

it

in

the

United

States.

(Laughter.)

Did

anybody

not

see

that

joke

coming?

(Laughter.)

Show

of

hands.

Only

Gallup?

Maybe

Dick

Morris?

(Laughter

and

applause.)

Now,speaking

of

presidents

and

their

legacies,I

want

to

acknowledge

a

wonderful

friend,Steven

Spielberg,and

Daniel

Day-Lewis,who

are

here

tonight.

(Applause.)

We

had

a

screening

of

their

most

recent

film,Lincoln,which

was

an

extraordinary

film.

I

am

a

little

nervous,though,about

Steven

s

next

project.

I

saw

a

behind-the-scenes

look

on

HBO

--

well,let

s

just

check

it

out.

Roll

the

tape.

(Video

is

shown.)

(Laughter

and

applause.)

It

s

a

remarkable

transformation.

Do

I

really

sound

like

that,though,honey?

(Laughter.)

Groucho

Marx

once

said

--

and,Senator

Cruz,that

s

Groucho

Marx,not

Karl.

That

s

the

other

guy.

(Laughter.)

Groucho

Marx

once

told

an

audience,“Before

I

speak,I

have

something

important

to

say.“(Laughter.)

And

along

those

same

lines,I

want

to

close

on

a

more

serious

note.

Obviously,there

has

been

no

shortage

of

news

to

cover

over

these

past

few

weeks.

And

these

have

been

some

very

hard

days

for

too

many

of

our

citizens.

Even

as

we

gather

here

tonight,our

thoughts

are

not

far

from

the

people

of

Boston

and

the

people

of

West,Texas.

There

are

families

in

the

Midwest

who

are

coping

with

some

terrible

floods.

So

we

ve

had

some

difficult

days.

But

even

when

the

days

seemed

darkest,we

have

seen

humanity

shine

at

its

brightest.

We

ve

seen

first

responders

and

National

Guardsmen

who

have

dashed

into

danger,law

enforcement

officers

who

lived

their

oath

to

serve

and

to

protect,and

everyday

Americans

who

are

opening

their

homes

and

their

hearts

to

perfect

strangers.

And

we

also

saw

journalists

at

their

best

--

especially

those

who

took

the

time

to

wade

upstream

through

the

torrent

of

digital

rumors

to

chase

down

leads

and

verify

facts

and

painstakingly

put

the

pieces

together

to

inform,and

to

educate,and

to

tell

stories

that

demanded

to

be

told.

If

anyone

wonders,for

example,whether

newspapers

are

a

thing

of

the

past,all

you

needed

to

do

was

to

pick

up

or

log

on

to

papers

like

the

Boston

Globe.

(Applause.)

When

their

communities

and

the

wider

world

needed

them

most,they

were

there

making

sense

of

events

that

might

at

first

blush

seem

beyond

our

comprehension.

And

that

s

what

great

journalism

is,and

that

s

what

great

journalists

do.

And

that

s

why,for

example,Pete

Williams

new

nickname

around

the

NBC

newsroom

is

“Big

Papi.“(Applause.)

And

in

these

past

few

weeks,as

I

ve

gotten

a

chance

to

meet

many

of

the

first

responders

and

the

police

officers

and

volunteers

who

raced

to

help

when

hardship

hits,I

was

reminded,as

I

m

always

reminded

when

I

meet

our

men

and

women

in

uniform,whether

they

re

in

war

theater,or

here

back

home,or

at

Walter

Reed

in

Bethesda

--

I

m

reminded

that

all

these

folks,they

don

t

do

it

to

be

honored,they

don

t

do

it

to

be

celebrated.

They

do

it

because

they

love

their

families

and

they

love

their

neighborhoods

and

they

love

their

country.

And

so,these

men

and

women

should

inspire

all

of

us

in

this

room

to

live

up

to

those

same

standards;

to

be

worthy

of

their

trust;

to

do

our

jobs

with

the

same

fidelity,and

the

same

integrity,and

the

same

sense

of

purpose,and

the

same

love

of

country.

Because

if

we

re

only

focused

on

profits

or

ratings

or

polls,then

we

re

contributing

to

the

cynicism

that

so

many

people

feel

right

now.

(Applause.)

And

so,those

of

us

in

this

room

tonight,we

are

incredibly

lucky.

And

the

fact

is,we

can

do

better

--

all

of

us.

Those

of

us

in

public

office,those

of

us

in

the

press,those

who

produce

entertainment

for

our

kids,those

with

power,those

with

influence

--

all

of

us,including

myself,we

can

strive

to

value

those

things

that

I

suspect

led

most

of

us

to

do

the

work

that

we

do

in

the

first

place

--

because

we

believed

in

something

that

was

true,and

we

believed

in

service,and

the

idea

that

we

can

have

a

lasting,positive

impact

on

the

lives

of

the

people

around

us.

And

that

s

our

obligation.

That

s

a

task

we

should

gladly

embrace

on

behalf

of

all

of

those

folks

who

are

counting

on

us;

on

behalf

of

this

country

that

s

given

us

so

much.

So

thank

you

all,to

the

White

House

Correspondents

for

the

great

work

you

do.

God

bless

you

all.

May

God

bless

the

United

States

of

America.

END

10:36

P.M.

EDT

篇3：2020年会幽默主持词

20XX年会幽默主持词 本文关键词：年会，主持词，幽默，XX

20XX年会幽默主持词 本文简介：20XX年会幽默主持词周：有请以上优秀员工上场，同时也请我们的礼仪小姐准备好优秀员工的荣誉证书。接下来，请朱总为获得20XX年度的优秀员工颁发荣誉证书，有请朱总。(临场发挥)邱：听了这么多的感谢，我想用两个字来概括它，那就是“感恩”。周：说到“感恩”，我想起了一首歌。合：《感恩的心》邱：那就让我们一

20XX年会幽默主持词 本文内容：

20XX年会幽默主持词

周：有请以上优秀员工上场，同时也请我们的礼仪小姐准备好优秀员工的荣誉证书。接下来，请朱总为获得20XX年度的优秀员工颁发荣誉证书，有请朱总。(临场发挥)

邱：听了这么多的感谢，我想用两个字来概括它，那就是“感恩”。

周：说到“感恩”，我想起了一首歌。

合：《感恩的心》

邱：那就让我们一起唱起这首歌，把它送给所有我们要感恩的人。

《感恩的心》歌词：

我来自偶然像一颗尘土/有谁看出我的脆弱/我来自何方我情归何处/谁在下一刻呼唤我

天地虽宽这条路却难走/我看遍这人间坎坷辛苦/我还有多少爱我还有多少泪/要苍天知道我不认输

感恩的心感谢有你/伴我一生让我有勇气作我自己/感恩的心感谢命运/花开花落我一样会珍惜

周：真的很让人感动，我想我们都应怀着一颗感恩的心去感谢过去的一年中帮助我们茁壮成长的朋友。同时，我们还要积蓄更多的力量在新的一年里共同努力，共创美好的明天。

邱：谢谢我们的优秀员工们，愿我们所有的员工在新的一年里都能再接再厉，获得更好的成绩。我们的晚宴马上就要开始了，现在就请上我们的朱总为我们开席祝酒。

中间暂停10分钟。

邱：各位来宾、各位同仁。今晚除了游戏呢，还有礼品丰厚的抽奖活动，现在有请×××上台为我们抽出今天的五等奖。(羽毛球、乒乓球拍各十个。共二十名，分四次抽，每次五名，共10分钟;供应商抽取并颁奖)

(临场发挥)

周：恭喜我们的中奖人员，没中奖的也别灰心，好戏在后头哦!小丘，你说如果把一句话反过来说会怎样呢?

邱：嗯，意思会反了吧?

周：那可不定，接下来你就会知道了。我们的第二个游戏就叫正话反说

邱：游戏规则是由每队派出一名队员，参加人员需将主持人说出的词句在5秒钟内反过来说一遍，每回答一题句子长度增加一字，最后回答出来的题目字数即为当队得分，以此类推。例如：主持人说“我是好人”，参加人员需回答“人好是我”

游戏结束，若出现多个最低分，进行pk，输的一队需抽取处罚题，并进行表演。

周：好，游戏结束了，每队的成果也出来了，让我们一起来看看各队的得分情况。

邱：报分数

周：恭喜分数多的一队，分数少的也别气妥，下面还有好多游戏等着你们呢，我们下一局加油哦!

邱：接下来呢，又到了我们的抽奖时间了，这次要抽出的是四等奖

周：有请供应商xx上台为我们抽取四等奖。(电磁炉共15名，分两次抽取，每次五名，共7分钟;

供应商抽取并颁奖)